i am a lousy teacher

for months now, i've had a 2nd year student in middle school (an 8th grader) who is uncontrollable, obnoxious, violent, a disturbance, and a plague. in a class of only 14 kids, it's hard to ignore him when he's being so loud and offensive. till now, i've been a lot more patient with him than i would have been with, say, cousins who anger me, or some of my more annoying younger students. like i said, till now.

when i first started teaching here a year and a half ago, i noticed that the class had a pretty low english level (coupled with the fact the teacher is the most clueless when it comes to how much English his students actually know). the boys would always cheat on the activities i came up with, and the girls would just kinda stare at me not knowing what to do.

however, starting sometime last semester, sometime after i came back from the States, suddenly a lot of the students have had a boost in their English ability. i can't explain it. whereas before, most of them would have this blank or lost look on their faces, now they can actually understand a good portion of what i say, and sometimes even answer me. and it's been great. everything except this asshole.

while everyone seems (at least to me) to be getting better at English, this asshole has been getting rowdier, more offensive, more violent, and just angrier. every class with him now is a struggle to get ANYTHING done. the thing is, when he's not there (like yesterday), we can actually get stuff done. people actually get something out of class. it's just when he's there that his control spreads over all the boys (all but 2... the smart kid and the weak kid, who gets picked on for not bowing down to the asshole). then, all but those 2 boys end up being assholes on varying levels. they'll all start picking on the teacher, and apparently beating him as well as i witnessed today.

to my memory, only once have i taken out my anger on him. this is quite a few months back. as usual, he was being annoying and talking all over the class, and when i finally couldn't stand hearing his voice anymore, i walked up behind him and hit him lightly on the backside of his head with the textbook, and simple said to him, "Shh!" i think if anything, everyone was just shocked that i did that. the class is usually silent (especially the girls) because no one wants to be in the line of his fire. after that, the whiny little fart he is, just complained about how his head hurt and how he wanted to go to the nurses office. c'mon now. you're telling me that after all the fist fights you've been in, being hit LIGHTLY with a 70 page paperback book HURTS? cry me a river.

anyway, today. before class even STARTED, the asshole was yelling at the teacher AND choking him. this is only the beginning. then, i start to explain my simplified version of monopoly, which isn't about monopolies at all. each square has a question. you answer the question correctly, you get however many dollars is written down. if you land on a Oh no! box, you put your money in the middle. you land on Yes!, you get all the essentially Free Parking money in the middle.

as simple of a game this is, i still needed to explain it. the ENTIRE time i'm trying to explain this, he's talking louder than me. so i try explaining it louder, but still, all i can hear is his voice. at my wit's end, i finally "Shhh!!!!" him, and give him my i'm-gonna-chop-your-balls-off look. for about 2 seconds, the entire class was silent and taken aback. then, he regains footing. he starts yelling back, swearing at me. to which i respond, "SHUT UP!!"

now you have to understand, this has been bottled up inside for a VERY long time. i wont get into details, but after shut up, i started talking back in english (which he of course can't understand because he doesn't study and doesn't care). and since i'm talking back period, he's getting more pissed, and stands up and walks towards me like he's going to beat me. you know, i'm at the point where i'd welcome him punching me, because it would accomplish 3 things: 1) allowing me the right to punch him back, 2) getting him sent out of class, and 3) maybe, just maybe, excusing me from ever coming back this school. now dont get me wrong. i love my 1st years and 3rd years. i love having class with them. but having to deal with him that one hour of the day just sends my stress hormone levels through the roof. i seriously think i'm going to have a heart attack every time i'm in that class.

anyway, he approaches, the teacher intervenes and steps in front of him, he's still yelling at me, i'm standing there looking pissed, never taking my eyes off of his. if it's one thing, it's that i'm NOT afraid of him. he may scare all the other teachers, but i have done NOTHING to deserve the rage he channels at me. and to act like a little dick in my class all the time.. shit like that needs to be earned. i certainly dont think i've earned it.

at one point, the teacher next door comes in and asks him to stop yelling (cuz he is LOUD). the asshole eventually throws a friends metal pencil case in my direction (but really, i think he meant to throw it just onto the floor). then he comes up and shoves the teachers podium which i'm standing behind, hence everything that was on the podium and on the hidden shelf just fell to the floor and on my feet. this whole time, i didn't take my eyes of of him. i am WAY to angry at him to let him think for even a MILLISECOND that i'm afraid of him.

he finally, after several minutes of him swearing and yelling at me, sits down, keeps on swearing out loud and ranting to his friend, while the teacher goes on to repeat my explanation in japanese. the kids break up into groups and start playing. everything's good again, right? the asshole goes on to trying to fight the teacher, the whole time the teacher trying to get him to stop (even though the kid is obviously trying to hurt him for real).

about 10 minutes later, i'm flagged over to the asshole's group, consisting of the asshole, one of his lackeys (who has gone from being a very good student to from what i can tell, becoming a slacker and a back-talker), and another lackey (who has in recent times shown that he's been working hard on his english). the conversation went on for quite a while, but most of what was said:
him: why did you tell me to shut up?
me: because i heard you louder and clearer than i could hear myself.

me: why were you talking?
him: because i didn't understand what you were saying.
me: then you could have ASKED me, AFTER i finished explaining the game the FIRST time.

me: why do you hate me?
him: i hate english. and i hate him (the teacher), and since i hate him, by association, i hate you.

him: i hate english.
me: well, you can hate me and english, but you can't be disruptive in class. you can sit in the library and study if you want, just dont ruin class for everyone else.

me: you know, the only one losing here is you.
him: no, you're the loser.
me: no, you are. i know japanese and english. i'm here to help YOU. if you dont want my help, that's decidedly YOUR loss.
him: the f*ck do i have to learn english for?! i hate english!

me: *sigh*

basically, i could only understand half of what he was saying because he talks like a low-life hoodlum. and even though i didn't understand what he was saying, i'm pretty sure he ended every statement by calling me a fucker or a bitch. whatever. i could care less what he calls me.

in retrospect though, i do feel like a lousy teacher. i know it was wrong to have lost my cool in front of class like that, but it was a long time coming. and i dont even feel satisfied by my outburst. i really just want to sock him in the face. he has no right to disrespect all the people that he does. where i come from, you earn your respect, and until you do, you respect others. he has made zero effort in either realm.

and to top things off, after class, my teacher went to the head teacher/vice principal and told him about class. right afterwards, he tells me that he needs to write a report about class, documenting what happened and what was said.

now, all i can think about is, can i get fired for this? i didn't touch him at all (i restrained myself at least THAT much). can i get deported for bad conduct? part of me is worried that the report is more to report what I did as opposed to how much of an ass the asshole was being. his behavior has just gotten worse over the months.

here's the thing though. as a teacher, we're supposed to encourage all kids to keep at the school thing. we're supposed to make them think about their futures. want to be better than they are. but what do you do in the case of an overly aggressive student, who obviously doesn't care about school, doesn't care whose face he gets in, only thinks about beating or bullying people all day... is there a point where it's okay to let a child go? to just give up on a student? is there such a thing as a lost cause?

the asshole even said to me today that he doesn't even care if he ends up in prison. how do you get through to someone to value their OWN life? without even that little ounce of appreciation, wouldn't it be impossible to get him to respect others?

*sigh*

i'm kind of at the point here where i wouldn't really care if i got fired. yeah, i'd be pretty bitter that he was the reason why, but at the same time, if something as retarded as this can cause me to be kicked out of the country, well, i guess i was never meant to do this from the beginning.

more than anything, i'm just frustrated right now. i wish there was someway someone in his life could change his mind. he's apparently the youngest of 5 brothers, the second youngest who was one of my students when i first got here. that brother is now a first year high school dropout. i see him wandering town all the time with his dropout friends. i hate to say it, but dont you think this is all the product of poor parenting?... in japan, teachers are responsible for moral education. but if you go through the trouble of birthing, raising, feeding, and housing a child, you should step up and take some goddamn responsibility for it turns out. granted, peers have a big influence on kids. but if your kid is the reigning asshole and is proud of it, that makes YOU a lousy parent.

it's sad. the more i learn about the japanese school system, the more depressed i get. here's the thing. there's the moral education thing that's put on the teachers, but to make things worse, the system here doesn't end up punishing those who deserve it; it punishes the brightest kids.

for example, a while back, some of my students decided to pluck their eyebrows. eyebrows people. it's body hair. girls should have a say about stuff that grows out of their face. right? wrong. these girls got reamed out by their teachers. they're not allowed to wear makeup to school, or do stuff like plucking eyebrows.

then there are the kids who go to their teachers and ask them for their homework early so they can go to a baseball game or track meet on the mainland. what happens then? the teachers use this opportunity to lecture them about staying on top of their work, and asking them why this and that was turned in late.

and still, there are the kids who are good students, but kinda sloppy. teachers are always yelling at them about uniforms being orderly and whatnot.

like i said, the good kids get punished.

and then there are the handful of out of control rebels. when your system is based on a lofty expectation like, students actually caring about school, there is no built-in rule about what to do with problem students. which is where the asshole comes in. he doesnt fall into the regular student mold of students caring about their future. in fact, he goes to school solely TO rebel when he gets there. what's anyone going to do about it? from the looks of it, absolutely nothing. he still has over a year of middle school left. how much worse is the situation going to get? at what point will some lazy old fart finally step up to the plate and just kick him out of school? that's what he wants isn't it?

*shaking head*

i feel like i'm just stuck.. until i leave, it looks like there's no way i can avoid him. he's not going to graduate before august. at least i'm done with the school for the month, so i dont have to feel shitty about it for a few weeks. but oh man. i can only imagine how painstaking this school is going to be in the future.

and dont worry -- if i get deported, you'll all be notified =P