conspiracy theories

now officially past the living-in-japan-for-6-months-straight point, and bringing me to a grand total of 11 months spent living in japan in my life, i've stumbled upon a couple of conspiracy theories which i'm sure are wholly unoriginal, but i'm going to voice them anyway.

- Japanese people only drink diuretics. At least that's all they sell or offer you when you pay them visits. Vending machines, home visits, school visits... everywhere you go, the most readily available liquids are chock full of caffeine, which for me spells out multiple trips to the bathroom. what do you do when you want to quench your thirst? drink coffee or tea. and what does that do? make you more thirsty. this way, you keep evilly spending money on drinks that keep making you thirsty.

- Non-insulated homes keep the blanket, heaters, and kotatsu-makers in business. Why is it that as brilliant as insulated homes are, japanese people still build non-insulated homes? because it's cool to have a kotatsu in your home. because it's neat to have a toilet seat warmed 24/7. because fuzzy blanket and heater manufacturers all over this country would be bankrupt otherwise. if you make an insulated home, you're taking away from the traditions of desperately staying warm during winter, and we couldn't have that happening, now could we.

- Japanese people wear layers and layers of clothing during winter because they have no body fat. Why is it that I, who has only known the Bay Area's Mediterranean weather (which is always mild), can get away with wearing only a t-shirt and a fleece to school in the dead of winter, while the teachers around me that have lived in Tsushima the majority of their lives need to wear 4 layers at a time? because they're super skinny and possess no body fat. they need to keep in all the heat they can make. i, on the other hand, don't have this issue. my body is fine with breaking down fat to create heat. i only wish it'd break it down more rapidly *sigh*

- Teachers keep offering me stick-pointers so i dont ghetto-fy their kids. I dont know if stick-pointers are what they're called, but they're the sticks you use to point at stuff during class. you know, like a long skinny pole. a while back, i invested in a 100 yen fly swatter and cut it up so that it'd come to a point, and have been using it since during class when my arm gets tired. the kids think it's hilarious whenever i pull it out, and it says something about my personality: i dont mind being laughed at, and i'm frugal as hell.

i've now on 3 or 4 separate occasions at different schools been offered stick-pointers. the first one gave me a real stick pointer with a hand pointing at the end of the stick. the second occasion i was offered to use the teacher's stick pointer. today, one of the teachers offered me his high quality stick pointer that can extend/collapse into something the size of a ballpoint pen. it's so nifty it lights up at the end when extended. if teachers are trying to tell me they feel bad for me cuz they think i'm poor and they're trying to help me out, then i appreciate the sentiment. but if what they're really trying to say is, "we dont want you to ghetto-fy our kids and encourage them to do low-class stuff like cutting up a fly-swatter," then hell no, i'm going to keep using my fly swatter. it's got charm =)

- Japanese will never come out and tell you what they really mean. It's recently come to my attention that all the, "Aren't you cold??" comments i've been getting from teachers may not actually mean, "Aren't you cold?" Instead, it's been suggested that they're hinting for me to layer up. are you kidding?? if i'm comfortable with a t-shirt and a fleece, then i'm going to wear a t-shirt and a fleece to school, Homes. just because you're weak and possess no body fat and need to wear 5 layers of shirts and jackets to school doesn't mean that my body works the same way.

Also, it's recently come to my attention that i'm not supposed to eat in my taxi ride to school, or eat snacks (as in bread) in the teacher's room at school during non-lunchtime hours. i've only been doing these two things for the last 6 months, people. and no one ever decided to tell me that i shouldn't. my taxi drivers will on occasion ask, "so did you eat breakfast this morning?" or if i'm at school, a teacher will say, "is that breakfast?" when i'm eating at 10:30am, but no one in either department has ever said, "you're offending me by eating here." well, that's your loss. until you outright say i can't do something, i'm going to keep playing the oblivious gaijin card. muahahhaa.

Japanese people sometimes make me want to cry from their being so circumlocutory and backwards. Japanese society also makes my soul die a little more each time i find out something new. *sigh*. dont worry people; someday i shall return permanently to the States =)