My Big Backyard

Yesterday, for the first time since i've graduated, i actually extended the effort to exercise. Yay me! I decided to run around my neighborhood, quickly forgetting that i live on the only flat road in my suburban paradise. everywhere surrounding me are hills, and lucky for me, to get anywhere away from my house, that means travelling up steep inclines first. I ended up getting winded on steep hill #2 as usual. Someday, i'm going to conquer that hill. I really will. Perhaps when i'm in shape.*sigh* after getting past consecutive steep hill #3, i finally arrived at my old Chinese school, which faces a former high school in my district, but for as long as i can remember, has not been used. It would have been perfect though, as getting up there is only a 10 minute walk. When i was little, i'd often bike up there with my brother, and together, we'd circle the school for a while. He, trying to be the cool guy he thought he was, would try making me race him down very long straight lanes in the back of the school, attempting to simulate a drag race he wasn't old enough (or dumb enough) to participate in, as he didn't have a driver's license at the time.

It wasn't until I got up to the school that i realized how long it really had been since i had walked around that area. I stopped going to Chinese school sophomore year of high school, but on occasion will run past it. But this abandoned high school... I think the last time i stepped foot on the campus was at least middle school if not even before that. I realized how similar its construction was to my high school, and couldn't help but wonder how many people in my area still remember what it was like to go to school there.. have it as their home for the 4 years before their cliques broke up as they each parted ways to pursue higher education or otherwise. It was kinda deja vu-ish. It had the familiarity of home even without my ever truly entering it. Odd.

After my run, i made my way back home, but this time different from all my other runs in the past. I actually slowly made my way home, carefully looking at each of the homes on my block for the first time since high school. Even though i went home every now and then while i was in college, i never really appreciated my neighbors' homes. Had i taken a look sooner, i would have seen how different the face of my street is from the days of my childhood. My first best friend was named Renee, and she and her family lived at the end of my block (my house is pretty much in the middle of the block). I played at her house countless times during my childhood, and most of my fond memories of my street surround playing with her and her sister. However, she and her family moved away just after 4th grade, and with her departure, my frequency of playing outside and visiting her end of the street. Since then, the new family that lives in her home has repainted the outside of the house, planted new trees, replaced the shutters, and countless other things that just make the house look different than it used to. It's no longer reminiscent of the peeling off-white paint it once had on its walls.

As i progressed closer to my home, i looked at the other houses. Across the street from Renee's house was the policeman's home. he has 3 kids and i can't even keep track of how old they are now. his youngest was probably 4+ years younger than me, but at any rate, they've completely painted their house too. and the house next door to them. and the house next door to that, where one of my classmates from elementary school used to live. i'm not sure if he's still living there, but when my family moved in back in '88, his family was already there. the house across the street from them also was repainted a few years back, and yet another one of my classmates lives there (yeah, 3 of us in the same year within a 4 house radius from one another. go figure).

As i kept walking down the street, i noticed really drastic changes from the image i still have from my childhood. cars parked in front of homes, house trims, house colors, shrubbery, floral colors... so many things have changed, yet i've never really let myself take it in.

As if this rude awakening wasn't enough, once i got home, i was still pretty hot from my run, so i decided to walk around my backyard for a bit to cool down. goodness -- even my backyard has changed without me knowing. when i was still little (sizewise), i would bike around on my [at the time] kickass purple bike. and really, i'd do it for hours. i just remember the backyard being juuuust big enough for me to be able to keep up my momentum. Now, i'd say on average over the last 8 years, i've probably stepped outside onto my backyard about twice a year. and that's being generous. i generally never go out the backyard, because there's really nothing out there for me to do. there's a lot of dead grass, funny looking fruit trees, dirt, and squirrels; and that's about it. mostly the only reason why i'll go out there is for a bbq when my dad fires up his grill once or twice a year.

I walked around the corner of the house to where my bedroom window faces the backyard. And for the first time, i noticed that the huge shrub that would always grow so tall that my dad would have to keep trimming it because we'd be unable to see outside my window without the shrub obstructing the view, was cut down pretty far. in fact, i wouldn't really call it a bush or shrub anymore. maybe a stick and a couple of leaves is more appropriate. I hadn't really thought about how much that bush/shrub reminded me of when i was little and my sister still hadn't started college yet. she'd make a point of opening the drapes each day so we'd have natural sunlight in the room, but we'd always see the shrub peeking into our room. now the shrub is no more and my sister in my room is no more. oh how time flies.

despite all this nostalgia running through my head, the biggest surprise came last. As i headed out of my backyard, i saw a cluster of 3 plums sitting on top of the dirt at the bottom of the steps of our raised garden area. And then it hit me. Why it was i loved summer so much when i was younger. The plum tree. I loved that plum tree. Every summer, it have bountiful fruits just dropping everywhere. and then there were the times that my dad and i would use his homemade plum-picker to get the ripe looking plums higher up on the tree. That tree was enormous. it was so big that a good portion of it would umbrella over our neighbor's yard, so every summer, they'd be eating our plums too. We had so many plums that the moment we picked them, we'd have to put them in bags and give them away to neighbors, family, friends, etc. Those were truly glorious summers. There'd be this rotating pattern of tons of plums, many but not as many plums the next year.. my brother and i would try to predict how many plums there'd be that year relative to the year before... And speaking of my brother, that reminds me of plum pits. you know, the huge seed in the middle. So birds were always the enemy. The goal was always to get to the good fruit higher up in the tree before the birds could, because birds would peck at the best fruit once or twice, then abandon that plum and start pecking at another one. So by the end of the week, there'd be this huge collection of shiny, ripe fruit on the floor of the tree... but when you turned it around, there'd be a huge hole from where the birds would have pecked at them. darn those birds. anyway, a lot of times, the pits would fall down too if the fruit never reached full term, so my bro, in attempt to be athletic and abuse his big brother powers, would make me pitch plum pits to him as he used his favorite stick as a bat (probably a good 3 feet long) to try to hit the pits over our fence and onto the hill that lies beyond my backyard. Ah yes. Those were the days. But what happened to the plums? A few years ago, my dad had to cut down a part of it because the tree was dying/dead. Now only about half of what i remember that tree being remains. There are still some fruits, but we're lucky to get very many that birds haven't claimed for themselves first. I actually walked up to where the tree stands, and for the first time since at least middle school, i took a good look at the tree's branches. whereas ten years ago i was plotting a way to somehow climb onto the branches so i could sit there and read (it always a little bit too high for me to attempt to climb), today, the branches are covered in moss. many of the branches come to a sudden stop where my dad had the tree cut. there aren't nearly as many plums littering the tree floor anymore. And then something else struck me. There was this feeling of openness in the backyard that i never felt before. That's when i realized that it was due to the neighboring tree being completely gone. You see, back when i still played in the backyard, all the trees were big and dominating, and my parents had such an extensive garden that there were trees and plants were forming elegant and colorful walls everywhere you turned. however, i dont think el nino treated our backyard well at all, and life in the back of the house has never been the same since. between the missing tree, a large portion of the plum tree gone, and the shrub outside my window diminished to hobbit size, there's a feeling of a lot more open space... the sky is more visible.... but consequently, the backyard feels more desolate and less thriving with life.

And as i sit here in retrospect, i see now what people mean by our childhoods flying by. Sadly, i'm slowly seeing how growing up means going out into the unknown and unexpected. As much as i want them to, things wont stay the same forever. People will come and go from my life. Neighbors will move out and new ones will move in. Others around us will seemingly grow older, only for us to slowly come to terms with the fact that we ourselves are growing older too. My days of running around on Renee's front lawn with her and her little sister in our bathing suits through the sprinklers are past. I won't ride my bike up and down the street with Lisa from up the street anymore. Days of my father asking me, "which one should i pick?" and me pointing at the ripest plum i see and him getting them down for me because i was too short and too small to handle the plum-picker have past. Houses have lost their old coats and donned new ones, while i still have yet to shed my old skin. i still wander around believing that time hasn't passed at all. But alas, my time has come. I have no more school to use as an excuse to delay adulthood. I'm stuck on a never-ending conveyor belt that doesn't let me walk backwards, shuttling me onto the next phase of my life already when again, i haven't acknowledged much less accepted the fact that the past can't be relived. Despite the fact that i'm sad that my youth has come to an end, i know i have a lot to look forward to. Life doesn't just freeze frame. That's why we have to keep moving, and with it, keep up our optimism that there is something more exciting up ahead. Even though we should look ahead, i also believe that we should cherish memories that mean a lot to us. What we love, after all, is what makes us all unique and who we are. Even though now, when i stand next to my plum tree, it seems a lot smaller than i ever remember it being, and the rest of my backyard seems to be smaller as well, the image i'll recall in my mind will be the backyard that made me happy. My big backyard of my childhood.